My dearest ex husband

To my ex,

I loved you, why didn’t you love me? I loved you enough to follow you wherever you wanted, I met all your unreasonable demands and expectations, why wasn’t this enough?

I changed, I cooked, I cleaned, I obeyed. Why wasn’t it enough? Why wasn’t I good enough to fight for?

Why did you abuse my emotions, why did you throw me away at every opportunity and put me through so much stress that I lost all hope to live?

I want you to love me, even after all this time, I need you to love me. You don’t, you never did and you never will.

Why do I have to be the bigger person, why do I have to put my hurt aside so you can be a father, why won’t you try?

Why is your family more important than the one you created with me? What am I supposed to tell my daughter? Why wasn’t she good enough?

The truth is, you scum bag!, that my daughter and I are amazing, we are far more than you deserve and we have had the luckiest escape from a life full of depression and anxiety! We come first to eachother and the family around us, which beats coming second to your mummy any day!

We hope you enjoy your life with your mum because even though our daughter will have you in her life, you will never hold the place you could have had!

Shame on you, scumbag!

Lots of HATE,

Your ex wife 💋

Ladies Night

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So for the first time in almost a year, I went out! To smoke!

It was a bittersweet experience! It was the first time away from my daughter, though she was safely asleep having been fed and tucked in by me, it was still sad!

It was my first time out as a single woman, it was a whole new experience let me tell you! In my head I was looking at people and wondering whether they knew I had just had a baby and more importantly that I had split from my husband. I almost felt as though I was keeping a low profile, I have nothing to be ashamed of, I know this, but it didn’t stop me feeling that way.
I didn’t enjoy it half as much as I used to! Granted, the shisha was relaxing yes, but I almost felt lonely! We always went together, I enjoyed being with him, it was romantic!

The atmosphere was strange, maybe I just found it odd being out without my daughter and without my ex, or maybe it was just that I hadn’t been out in so long!

The music was extremely loud and there were so many people, but that’s what these places are. A kind of substitute for bars and clubs!
It was fun, but I felt old, maybe I need a few more nights out to feel the vibe again, or maybe it’s just not me anymore?

Only time will tell…

💋

Please take me here…

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Does this not look like the most relaxing place on earth?

It’s been over a year since my last holiday and a heck of a shitty stressful year in between! I need a sunny, beachy, glamorous break!!

That being said, having had my (ex) husband, yes it’s still hard to refer to him as a person of the past, accompany me on every holiday for the last four years, and those holidays being wildly amazing, I don’t quite know how a holiday without him would feel.

The holidays are one thing that I will most certainly miss! That’s when I got the real him, away from his mother and in his element. Though it took a few days to shake the negativity out of him, he was always the man I loved on holidays.

I’m still heartbroken…but a holiday would help

💋

“Lik mein”…

It’s been a while since I last blogged!

just checking in

Not a lot has changed. Bar one minor detail… I signed up to a dating website , that’s right a dating website !

I’m being really stupid naive, you don’t need to tell me! Separated not even 3 months (officially) and already dying keen to get back on the horse! (except I was never on the horse to begin with, but that’s a story for another time).

Let me start by saying “arghhhh”! There are more than the fair share of wierdo’s out there! Ranging from those who are refuse to speak the English language correctly, to those who see a well worded profile (which clearly indicates a person who is looking for someone like minded) who can’t speak the English language at all! How, may I ask, are we supposed I communicate, if all you can string together even with the aid of auto correct is “lik yr prefile, u lik mein?”.
Firstly, you licked my profile? Lastly you want me to lick what exactly? I won’t even comment on the spelling errors. I must say I probably make my fair share of spelling mistakes, but I’ve got nothing on these guys!

Till next time 💋

I have a dream

Or rather I had a dream.
It was awful. I know the fact that my ex will move on is inevitable, but I don’t think I will be able to stand it.

I had a dream that he was in a relationship with someone else. He loved her, respected her, wanted her.

Why couldn’t he love, respect or want me?

What was wrong with me?
Why does he hate me?

I have all of these questions in my mind to which I will never get closure, I know this.
That doesn’t stop me from asking myself them on a daily basis.

This being said, I don’t want him back, I just want to move on but I can’t.
He’s ruined my life, and there’s nothing I can do but sit and wait for things to get better.

HELP ME

my face needs a wax

I need some clothes

I need to lose weight

I need to clean up

I need to sort out my finances

I need a shower

I need to brush my teeth

I need a massage

I need to book a dental appointment

I need to book doctors appointments for my daughter

I need some me time

I need sleep

I need help 😞

Why…

Am I still hurting?!

My heart hurts, I want go erase the pain. How could he do this to me? How could he treat me so badly when I was pregnant? How could he possibly chose a life living with his mum, over making a life with the baby we had created? With the baby God blessed us with!

What goes through the mind of a 32 year old man who is willing to throw his wife and child away over his mum! And what went through my mind when I allowed them to treat me so badly, to make me question my life, time and time again?!

Im hurting, and nobody knows. My feelings are suppressed, they come out at night in my dreams. They are becoming more and more real. My heart truly hurts!

Will I ever find someone who completes me? Will I forever be alone?

Only time will tell!

💋